just relax already!

"Come on! Just relax already!" -Every person who ever attempted to calm you down  

In attempt to win the award for ‘Understatement of the Year’ I offer the following. We are living in an age of uncertainty. Between the global pandemic, the upcoming elections, and school being conducted through zoom many people have experienced a higher level of stress and unease over the past few months. There is an abundance of articles, podcasts, and lectures on how to deal with this. However, navigating the relationships of our friends and family who are experiencing this is an issue that has been somewhat neglected. It can be difficult to watch the suffering of those we care about and a common response is to try and fix the problem. Often, our initial reaction is to tell the person to ‘just relax’. Your intentions might be good, but this is an ineffective approach. It tends to backfire and cause more harm. When was the last time someone told you to relax, and you found it helpful in calming your nerves?

 The concept of validating people’s feelings is talked about in practically every book about communication, parenting, and self-work. You can utilize this strategy for yourself and those you care about with a two-step technique. First, give the person permission to be where they are at. We are so accustomed to offering solutions and trying to solve the problem because it’s difficult to sit helplessly and just watch. Without being condescending, you can say ‘That sounds really hard. I don’t know how you’re managing’.

In I Thought it Was Just Me (But It Isn't) (2008), Brene Brown references nursing scholar Theresa Wiseman's four attributes of empathy which can be helpful in situations such as these.

• To be able to see the world as others see it—This requires putting your own "stuff" aside to see the situation through your loved one's eyes.

• To be nonjudgmental—Judgement of another person's situation discounts the experience and is an attempt to protect ourselves from the pain of the situation.

• To understand another person’s feelings—We have to be in touch with our own feelings in order to understand someone else's. Again, this requires putting your own "stuff" aside to focus on your loved one.

• To communicate your understanding of that person’s feelings—Rather than saying, "At least you..." or "It could be worse..." try, "I've been there, and that really hurts," or (to quote an example from Brown), "It sounds like you are in a hard place now. Tell me more about it.”

The second step is to simply be quiet. Full stop. This is going to require some self-control on your part. Silent pockets in conversations feel awkward. We avoid them at all costs by repeating ourselves, changing the subject, or ending the conversation. Instead of moving on we can choose to be in the moment. Challenge yourself to see how long you can sustain that for.

You can use these steps on yourself as well when you feel worried or fearful. It is important to understand that these feelings are your body’s way of telling you ‘I don’t feel safe’. Imagine a conversation with a friend that goes like this:

Friend ‘I don’t feel safe!’

You ‘Just get over it!’

We can agree that this relationship needs some work, and most of us would never treat our friends like that. So why is it ok to do this to ourselves when we’re stressed?

Does this voice sound familiar? ‘Just relax. You’re fine. Other people have it worse than you.’ You deserve at least as much compassion and kindness that you would give anyone else. As a result, the pain never goes away completely.  Bessel van der Kolk MD in his book The Body Keeps the Score: Brain, Mind, and Body in the Healing of Trauma talks about how your body and mind are more connected than you think. We don’t like to deal with painful emotions like sadness or anger. But suppressing them or shoving them under the rug just leads to more problems. Only by confronting your demons can you begin to heal from them. What if, instead of managing your stress, you chose to heal it? Imagine stress as a charge in your body and your goal is to neutralize that charge.  

When you acknowledge the discomfort, your body can then let it go of it. It’s as if your body is saying ‘Hey! He’s finally listening to me and acknowledging my reaction.’ Like the way you feel after venting to a colleague. Nothing about the situation changed but we feel so much better after being heard.    

This idea is relevant in parenting as well. We sometimes forget that children’s feelings are very real. Next time your child complains that they are scared or don’t feel well, instead of saying ‘Don’t be scared! It’s ok’ or ‘You’re fine- you don’t even have a fever.’ attempt to validate them. A common misconception is that by acknowledging their feelings it will lead to them taking advantage of you. This doesn’t have to be the case. ‘I know you’re feeling afraid Leah. The first day of school can be scary. Sometimes we do things even though they are hard for us.’ Or ‘Your knee is really hurting you, huh? Thank you for telling me Ben. We’re going to the grocery now- come buckle your seatbelt.”

After explaining this concept to a friend of mine, he began to spontaneously yell at me to ‘JUST RELAX!’ in the middle of mundane conversation without any warning. This effectively brought my stress level from zero to 100 in a matter of seconds. While he found it extremely entertaining, I am still working through the trauma.

 

stupid questions

 

"If you want to improve, be content to be thought foolish and stupid." -Epictetus

Dan Ariely is the author of Predictably Irrational and Professor of Psychology and Behavioral Economics at Duke University. He does research in behavioral economics on the irrational ways people behave, described in plain language. Dan discovered that when teaching large classes (an average of 500 pupils) the students were afraid to ask questions. Consequently, Dan would start the semester by taking a few paragraphs from postmodern literature and randomly adding in words and phrases about economics and behavioral psychology. To give you some perspective, Wikipedia defines postmodern literature as ‘a form of literature that is characterized by the use of metafiction, unreliable narration, self-reflexivity, intertextuality, and which often thematizes both historical and political issues’. (If you didn’t understand the definition, well….join the club.) He would then begin the lecture by saying “Let me start by explaining what behavioral economics is …” and proceeds to read this nonsense out loud for 5-7 minutes. Predictably, everyone would start taking copious notes.  No one questioned the information.

Then Professor Ariely stops and asks the group ‘Why didn’t you stop me? If you don’t understand, just ask. Don’t look at other people- assume that you’ll help others and that others don’t understand just as much as you do. Everyone is thinking the same thing. But no one has the guts to change it.”

Rocket scientist Ozan Varol says that “dumb” questions are the starting point for innovation. This comes with a disclaimer: Dumb doesn’t mean stupid. It signifies the basic. It means fun-dumb-ental. Asking a dumb question requires taking a complex concept and asking a seemingly simple question that has no easy answers. Change almost always begins with a dumb question. Here are a few that changed the world: What makes an apple fall down to the ground, rather than go up? What if the Earth revolved around the Sun, rather than the other way around? What if suitcases had wheels on them?

Malcolm Gladwell, author of the  international bestsellers The Tipping Point and Blink (2005) traces his inquisitive nature to his father’s inclination to ask dumb questions:

“My father has zero intellectual insecurities. It has never crossed his mind to be concerned that the world think he’s an idiot. He’s not in that game. So if he doesn’t understand something, he just asks you. He doesn’t care if he sounds foolish. If my father had met Bernie Madoff, he never would have invested money with him because he would have said, ‘I don’t understand’ a hundred times. ‘I don’t understand how that works,’ in this kind of dumb, slow voice.”

Humility and genuine curiosity are perhaps the most under rated attributes to expanding your knowledge. The minute you wake up and think you know everything- you know nothing

yellow brick roads

“We judge others by their behavior. We judge ourselves by our intentions.” (Ian Percy)

Results matter. What if someone gave you all the ingredients to a lemon meringue pie beautifully arranged on a platter. How appreciative do you think you’d be? They’d probably have been better off not giving you anything at all- ‘cuz you probably think they’re a moron now (rightfully so). Good intentions are like cotton candy- they shrink to nothingness if they’re let out of the bag. But of course it’s simpler when we evaluate ourselves to add all those could’ve would’ve should’ves to score brownie points.
I’m not quite sure that the road to hell is paved with good intentions. (I could verify it for you when I get back.) For one thing the intentions of a decent person usually result in some sort of action. Conversely, someone who is desensitized and accustomed to evil will have a different definition of ‘good’. And secondly it’s puzzling why the road to hell would be paved at all? Is it to give the evil a false sense of security? Or one last leisurely stroll?
Of course judging others is a salve to our conscience (and boy, do our conscience’s need soothing). So essentially we suffer by minding our own business. Suddenly our faults our staring at us in the face and we have nothing to deflect the shame and truth of it all. Yes, our priority is survival- but at what cost to our relationships?

cliff diving and post-it notes

“For disappearing acts, it's hard to beat what happens to the eight hours supposedly left after eight of sleep and eight of work.” (Doug Larson)

There is a preconceived notion that organized people generally accomplish things more efficiently than those who are, shall we say, not the sort who make detailed lists and carry around leather bound planners.
Some of the people who we might consider ‘flaky’ have all necessary information compartmentalized inside their head. They may choose to do things in a way that’s not the obvious approach- but who are you to say that it’s not well planned? You can only take half of the credit for getting a job done. Lots of people rush to finish because they crave the rush that comes along with crossing an item off of their list. The other half- and perhaps the more important-is how it’s done. I find that if one is less pressed to finish their consultation at precisely 3:57 which will give them three minutes to prepare an afternoon coffee (with one sugar and no cream, decaf mind you) and arrive on time for the meeting in room 201 on the 7th floor INSERT BREATH HERE then one might have been more likely to notice that despite the wrinkled suit the client was just let go had potential to earn the company close to a half a million dollars.
Preconceived ideas in general tend to conceal a layer of falseness. Woe is to those of us that have taken on lemming characteristics and rely on society to draw conclusions for us.
Comments, as always, are welcome.

circuses and hell

“Reality is that which, when you stop believing in it, doesn't go away.” (Philip K. Dick)

Imagination is one of those G-d given gifts which I venture to say is underappreciated. Most of our greatest fears revolve around pain. The agony of humiliation haunts us in our sleep. The sound of the dentist’s drill makes our toes curl. The permanent ache that buries itself deep within after the death of a loved one and threatens to obscure our outlook on life forever…

I ask you to pause for a moment and paint a picture in your mind’s eye a clown. His shoes are made of plastic, oversized and bright green. His face is coated with a thick layer of white paint and his eyes are exaggerated with dark black circles. His nose is made of cheap red foam and his rail thin body is swimming in a colorful polka dotted jumpsuit with ruffled yellow cuffs. The curls of his neon blue wig bounce with every step he takes. Unless you’ve got coulrophobia, the thought should bring a smile to your face.

Dante must've known this when he wrote Inferno. He used his imagination to conjure up a detailed description of fear stripped raw. Hell. No wonder his work has been the subject for philosophers and the inspiration for countless artists for well over six centuries.

The same way you created an image from nothing, you can create a feeling of well-being and security just through channeling the power of your mind. Who wouda thunk it? You’re safe haven is at the tips of your fingers.

Imagine that.

rainbows and FBI

"By all means let's be open-minded, but not so open-minded that our brains drop out."
(Richard Dawkins)

We like to think that as individuals we are non-racist and tolerant people. We consider it a compliment to be called open-minded. And yet there’s a contradiction. Imagine you are going to a town many miles away where the customs are exceedingly different from anything you’ve ever seen or heard of. Being in custody of the Witness Protection Program, you arrive not knowing what to expect. Looking around, you are nearly blinded by all the vibrant shades of Prussian blue, cadmium yellow, sea green, and countless other shades that you didn’t even know existed. You take a second look – something seems to be missing.
Apparently in this place the color black is not accepted as a wearable color. Passersby are staring at your black slacks and a few muttered derogatory sounding words directed at your polished black dress shoes.
So you think to yourself, ‘What is wrong with these people? Can’t they be more open-minded? ’ After you finish bashing these people in your head, consider this. You are the minority. You just encroached on their territory, a complete stranger, and you want them to adapt to your differences. You should be grateful that you weren’t lynched. You should be open-minded to their way of living. I know you’re surprised that the world doesn’t revolve around you. Consider this; acceptance of differences will get you farther than an open mind.
(Maybe you should call the person in charge of your case anyways and request a destination change.)
You are invited to comment below.

vodka on the rocks and roller coasters

“After the game, the king and the pawn go into the same box.” (Italian Proverb)

What do you choose to do when you spend time with friends?
(a) Go out to eat
(b) Go out for drinks
(c) Amusement parks, bungee jumping, or rock climbing
(d) I don’t go out with friends- quality time for me consists of phone conversations and emails.
(e) What friends?
May I question society’s equivalence of money with fun? The more expensive the dish you know, the smaller the portion. That says something. (I’m not sure what…) If there’s one area where the lines of the caste system blur it should be in the form of entertainment we choose.
Ever considered baking chocolate chip cookies, eating the dough and baking what’s left? What about the board games? Checkers is quite stimulating if you play it right, and some oldies like monopoly, balderdash, boggle, and scrabble can really get you going. Apple to apples, Banangrams, Cranium, and The Settlers of Catan are some of the newer ones that you might want to add to your closet if they’re not already there. I applaud those of you who enforce a ‘Family Game Night’, and recommend that everyone strongly consider it.
You don’t have need to do this with your family but you’d be surprised how much more pleasure you’ll get from playing a brain game or fiddling around with finger-paint (I know you think there’s an age limit on that, but you’re wrong) than a pricey martini and speeding ticket. Comments are welcome below.

mudpies and fish oil

“Adolescents are not monsters. They are just people trying to learn how to make it among the adults in the world, who are probably not so sure themselves.” (Virginia Satir, U.S. family therapist and author)

How clear are your memories of adolescence? No matter how many memory vitamins you insist on taking, I’m willing to bet that your recollection is way less accurate than you think. We tend to have selective memories. This isn’t always a negative thing. You don’t want to remember that time when Marcus, the biggest kid on the playground, made you eat dirt. Or the incident where Mom humiliated you in front of the entire neighborhood.
That’s the funny thing about the transition from being a child to becoming a parent. You forget what it’s like. All those promises you made. You said you’d be different when it came time to raising your own. You promised to be understanding and patient. What happened? Let me tell you. Life happened. We are trapped in the curse of the Grown-up. But is it really a curse? Could it be that we’ve gotten wiser with age? Or are we sinking in the mire of lost innocence and truth?
Maybe the next time we get caught in a heated argument that involves slamming doors and shattered china we should make an effort to really hear what the youngster has to say. On the other hand, it might be simpler to ground him indefinitely. After all that was your good set of dishes.

slnt trtmnt

“My play was a complete success. The audience was a failure.” (Oscar Wilde, writer 1854-1900)

Whether you like it or not, you depend on human interactions and other people’s opinions for your survival. The main reason solitary confinement is considered such a severe punishment is based on this premise. People can go mad from lack of human contact- emotional and physical.
Or perhaps it’s because they can’t deal with themselves and their reality.
Consider this; when was the last time you purposely spent time alone with yourself to…well, contemplate your life? For most of us the appreciation of solitude comes along with age and intelligence, and is usually hard earned.
To translate into a scenario that is more palatable to the modern day, envision your communication minus cell phone, twitter, Facebook, email, smart phone, Skype, etc.
Experts on human interaction are quite bothered by this. They recommend ‘unplugging’ for extended periods of time and paying more attention to live interactions. Although it has been recognized that too much of any one thing is destructive, I can’t say the average person is at fault for overdosing when it comes to technology. What these so-called experts have to take into account is that people adapt to their environments. What they are suggesting is that those who have been ‘infected’ remove themselves and make themselves different from their surroundings. They are contradicting themselves! We are told over and over to be normal and not to attract unnecessary attention to ourselves. We observe how people who are radically different are often condemned and doomed socially.
Personally, my sole connection to the outside world is a pre-paid cellular (archaic, yes I know) which under five people have access to. I have received much rebuke about this from people who haven’t the courage to call my land-line and complain that I am unreachable. I prefer it that way. But there are many valid reasons to be ‘plugged in’ and I respect that. Rather than establishing unreasonable guidelines to decrease electronic usage, a more effective solution might be to just raise an awareness of the damage that excess technology is causing. Skills such as spelling and use of quality vocabulary have been lost to writing in ‘text speak’ and monosyllables. People who you can interact with verbally and have a relatively intellectual conversation with are harder to come by. We find it exceedingly difficult to focus on just one (can you imagine?) task without getting distracted. This might seem too passive of an approach but the only way someone will consistently do something that is against their nature is if they want to.
Most of us desire more wholesome relationships and clearer communication with those who we care about. When all is said and done and your cards are laid out on the table I’ve got one question- why haven’t you signed off yet?

eat your vegetables or no dessert

“In some circumstances, the refusal to be defeated is a refusal to be educated.” (Margaret Halsey, novelist 1910-1997)

Here’s a question. Is it really possible to force a person to do something against their will? It’s relatively common for one to put another person down in order to feel powerful. It may not even be a conscious decision, but essentially a large percentage of our actions are dedicated towards self-preservation and we all know that only the fittest survive.
What about when you’re forcing someone to do something that’s in their best interest? In cases such as taking a knife away from a child or trying to keep someone with hypothermia from falling asleep- you and your adversary’s wills are fundamentally one and the same. In situations when you’re arguing to convince someone of your way of thinking it’s turns into a power struggle. Taking into consideration that violence and physical strength aren’t being used as manipulators, the victor will be whoever has the mental stamina to hold on longer.
Mental endurance is a mixture of person’s conviction in his morals and values, arrogance, and stupidity. Being able to impose your will on others doesn’t necessarily have a positive connotation. Winning isn’t everything and admitting your wrong is arguably the best way to prove your intellectual supremacy.
I submit myself to reading your comments below.

bigfoot and chocolate rivers

“Modern technology / Owes ecology / An apology.” (Alan M. Eddison)

Do you know what your carbon footprint looked like this past year? That’s OK. Neither do I. How about your last paycheck? What did that look like? We tend to recall and pay attention to the things that have an immediate impact on us. One might be fooled into thinking that this is how we survive but in truth this is really a method of self-destruction, and it affects everyone differently. It’s hard to take the future into account when it’s so abstract, but I believe that everyone has at least enough imagination to paint a picture of the possible outcomes that smoking, over budgeting, careless remarks, outbursts of anger, or bullying may bring.
One of the best tools for life that we can give kids is to give them an understanding of the link between actions and the consequences that follow. They can’t comprehend what teasing and suicide have got to do with each other. Or how having excess candy can cause stomach pains- how could something so good lead to so much agony? I believe the world and its pleasures are here for us to take advantage of and at the same time the ‘candy’ is also there to test the boundaries we have hopefully set for ourselves.
There is no limit when it comes to comments.

a bowl of cherries sans pits

“Life is a tragedy for those who feel, and a comedy for those who think.” (Jean de la Bruyere, essayist and moralist 1645-1696)

If you were to add one thing to your daily activities what would it be? Personally I’d recommend laughing more often. This is not to say you should hire yourself out as a clown for your local circus. Nor am I referring to the purchase of silly joke books. What I’m talking about is using humor as a coping mechanism. There are those who wake up in the morning and dread whatever is forthcoming. They count the hours until they can crawl back into bed and slip into oblivion. With good reason. Life is tough. Disasters crop up weekly and there are depressing hardships that we face daily such as family conflicts, emotional issues, unemployment, and physical ailments. If we take everything that comes our way seriously life becomes Act lll of a Shakespearian tragedy.
But what would happen if we removed ourselves from the picture for even a moment, and injected ourselves with some humor (not to be confused with heroin) to ease the pain?
What do you think?