just relax already!

"Come on! Just relax already!" -Every person who ever attempted to calm you down  

In attempt to win the award for ‘Understatement of the Year’ I offer the following. We are living in an age of uncertainty. Between the global pandemic, the upcoming elections, and school being conducted through zoom many people have experienced a higher level of stress and unease over the past few months. There is an abundance of articles, podcasts, and lectures on how to deal with this. However, navigating the relationships of our friends and family who are experiencing this is an issue that has been somewhat neglected. It can be difficult to watch the suffering of those we care about and a common response is to try and fix the problem. Often, our initial reaction is to tell the person to ‘just relax’. Your intentions might be good, but this is an ineffective approach. It tends to backfire and cause more harm. When was the last time someone told you to relax, and you found it helpful in calming your nerves?

 The concept of validating people’s feelings is talked about in practically every book about communication, parenting, and self-work. You can utilize this strategy for yourself and those you care about with a two-step technique. First, give the person permission to be where they are at. We are so accustomed to offering solutions and trying to solve the problem because it’s difficult to sit helplessly and just watch. Without being condescending, you can say ‘That sounds really hard. I don’t know how you’re managing’.

In I Thought it Was Just Me (But It Isn't) (2008), Brene Brown references nursing scholar Theresa Wiseman's four attributes of empathy which can be helpful in situations such as these.

• To be able to see the world as others see it—This requires putting your own "stuff" aside to see the situation through your loved one's eyes.

• To be nonjudgmental—Judgement of another person's situation discounts the experience and is an attempt to protect ourselves from the pain of the situation.

• To understand another person’s feelings—We have to be in touch with our own feelings in order to understand someone else's. Again, this requires putting your own "stuff" aside to focus on your loved one.

• To communicate your understanding of that person’s feelings—Rather than saying, "At least you..." or "It could be worse..." try, "I've been there, and that really hurts," or (to quote an example from Brown), "It sounds like you are in a hard place now. Tell me more about it.”

The second step is to simply be quiet. Full stop. This is going to require some self-control on your part. Silent pockets in conversations feel awkward. We avoid them at all costs by repeating ourselves, changing the subject, or ending the conversation. Instead of moving on we can choose to be in the moment. Challenge yourself to see how long you can sustain that for.

You can use these steps on yourself as well when you feel worried or fearful. It is important to understand that these feelings are your body’s way of telling you ‘I don’t feel safe’. Imagine a conversation with a friend that goes like this:

Friend ‘I don’t feel safe!’

You ‘Just get over it!’

We can agree that this relationship needs some work, and most of us would never treat our friends like that. So why is it ok to do this to ourselves when we’re stressed?

Does this voice sound familiar? ‘Just relax. You’re fine. Other people have it worse than you.’ You deserve at least as much compassion and kindness that you would give anyone else. As a result, the pain never goes away completely.  Bessel van der Kolk MD in his book The Body Keeps the Score: Brain, Mind, and Body in the Healing of Trauma talks about how your body and mind are more connected than you think. We don’t like to deal with painful emotions like sadness or anger. But suppressing them or shoving them under the rug just leads to more problems. Only by confronting your demons can you begin to heal from them. What if, instead of managing your stress, you chose to heal it? Imagine stress as a charge in your body and your goal is to neutralize that charge.  

When you acknowledge the discomfort, your body can then let it go of it. It’s as if your body is saying ‘Hey! He’s finally listening to me and acknowledging my reaction.’ Like the way you feel after venting to a colleague. Nothing about the situation changed but we feel so much better after being heard.    

This idea is relevant in parenting as well. We sometimes forget that children’s feelings are very real. Next time your child complains that they are scared or don’t feel well, instead of saying ‘Don’t be scared! It’s ok’ or ‘You’re fine- you don’t even have a fever.’ attempt to validate them. A common misconception is that by acknowledging their feelings it will lead to them taking advantage of you. This doesn’t have to be the case. ‘I know you’re feeling afraid Leah. The first day of school can be scary. Sometimes we do things even though they are hard for us.’ Or ‘Your knee is really hurting you, huh? Thank you for telling me Ben. We’re going to the grocery now- come buckle your seatbelt.”

After explaining this concept to a friend of mine, he began to spontaneously yell at me to ‘JUST RELAX!’ in the middle of mundane conversation without any warning. This effectively brought my stress level from zero to 100 in a matter of seconds. While he found it extremely entertaining, I am still working through the trauma.